This was the question asked by Andrew Brown in the Guardian online last week calling them a ‘celebration of the ego and the biggest enemy of the subsequent marriage’. Now I don’t go quite as far as Mr Brown in preferring funerals but I think he has a point. Mostly.

The cost is too high (on average £20,000), the content too light, the preparation for marriage often non-existent and for many it is paper over cracks. Brown is right when he says,

“What you’re doing isn’t a step into fairyland. And if it does turn out to be the gateway to a new life, that is one that will have to be built over time and unglamorously with the unpromising materials of the old one.”

But not all people approach marriage like that – a couple of weeks ago at the wedding of some dear friends you saw the culmination of a thoughtful process, a discovery of friendship, a journey to understanding the vows and promises. Cost had been counted and joyful, loving decisions had been made.

Not all the guests would have seen that, but for me that made the wedding more special. I’d seen some of the journey, participated in some of the discussions, watched and prayed for it. So when the moment came to make a vow of commitment to another person – you could endorse, support, celebrate all that was being said. It was done with gratitude to God who had led them and guided them, the songs and worship weren’t part of the ceremony but one of the reasons for it.

Wonderful stuff, only slightly marred by having to wrestle a fidgety two-year old while being frustrated at my own lack of patience.

But this is why community is so important: relationships are vulnerable when they become disconnected from community (which I have sadly seen too many times) and that rarely ends well. They are vulnerable if they are built apart from friendship, accountability and genuine scrutiny. They are more vulnerable still if they try to survive without it. Our relationships are a curious mix of personal, private and public and we run grave risks when we lose that third component.

So while some weddings definitely make me cringe and in my gloomier moments wonder when they will become another sad statistic. Others remind me of the beauty and wonder and joy of a publicly covenanted relationship.