Last week I started my first ever sabbatical. I’ve been in church leadership for over 20 years now so I guess it was due. And never having done this before I’m definitely figuring it out as I go.

I was a little resistant when my fellow elders suggested I take a sabbatical. Not because I didn’t think I needed one but because I’m generally resistant to the church making decisions that seem to benefit me. It took me a while to process properly my friends’ response. ‘You‘, they said, ‘are a gift to the church, and if you’re doing well then this will be good for us’. Which was nice of them to say. The trick there is to both accept the truth while not letting it get out of proportion. I am clearly not the only gift in our church, let’s get that straight but I am glad they think I am one. Actually, that’s pretty humbling.

But I acquiesced soon enough for a few reasons. One, if we’re going to have a team of elders, then it’s no good if I don’t listen to them. I might carry greater responsibility being the only staff member, but I don’t carry greater authority. So when the team says this is the wise course, then I should at the very least pay close attention. Secondly, I do need a rest.

In 2017 our church was small enough to fit in our lounge most Sundays with about 25-30 people. Six years later we’ve multiplied into 3 distinct language groups (English, Swedish, Swahili), have moved venue 7 or 8 times including going online for a season, been through a pandemic and grown to about 180 people. And I would say probably a turnover of another 100 or more who have passed through our doors. That’s a fair amount of change right there. Then just add in the usual mix of theological disagreements, weekly preaching, pastoral care, small groups, administration and organisation, practical help to our refugee friends and even with help then the diary soon became full enough.

There are also some things that take more energy than others. Our Swahili congregation struggled through disunity in their leadership team which drained me for months. My inbox became a tyrant and over time I was more and more working in areas not my gifting. It didn’t matter how much I tried to organise my time (not my forte anyway) and keep clear time for thinking just disappeared. Nothing seemed to stick.

I don’t think I am or was at risk of burning out but neither have I been for the past few years truly rested. I compared it to a car that was always filled up before the redline but only ever to half-full. You can actually keep going like that indefinitely but you’re not really set up for the long run.

I’d noticed how my energy seemed to be good for half a day, how many of the things I did was done with a sigh. I was probably consuming more energy drinks than was good for me. Couple that with a hamstring injury at the end of last year and I lost running for a few months. Running has always been a good tonic for my overall well-being. While putting on an extra 6 or 7 kg was not.

I mentioned how much the church has changed but we have a sense that we’re only just beginning, that the Lord we trust has more for us to do and that there’s more change to come. We want to work towards growing, multiplying further and church planting in Stockholm and Sweden. That’s all going to take some work and not just by me of course. But I’d like to not be a dead weight to others and help give it our best shot.

So sabbatical it is. I’m not stepping away from my church, I love my church, I’d rather worship Jesus there with this gang than anywhere else (although I will visit a few other places). I’m a member of the family as much as I am a servant of it but I am stepping away from the work of the church for a few months (four to be precise). The purpose of the break is rest and replenishment. Although I’ll do some focused reading at some point, I’m not intending nor am I expected to produce a paper or a plan at the end of it all. The aim as my friend Hugh Pearce concisely put it, is ‘to come out of working in the church to come back to work on the church’.

I plan to do a lot of running. I hope to do a lot of reading. I plan on letting my brain and my body get well rested. Summer, and with it family holidays, are a great time to do that. I enjoy writing but I’ve never felt writing this blog was part of my ministry. No one, and I really mean no one, has ever asked me to do it! And writing sometimes feels like work, it occupies the same sort of energy as writing a sermon and with reduced energy, I just found I didn’t have any left over for this. But already, obviously, a little space has led to a desire to write!

The other challenge of ministry, and I might write a separate post on this, is how for church leaders your spiritual life, your professional life and vast tracts of your social life all blur into one thing. There’s a trap there for the soul. When you can’t read the Bible without it being for a sermon, or in response to an ‘issue’ or prayer is only for the long list of needs within the church then, at least for me, my identity starts to drift towards just being a servant and not being a son. And that’s one reason why I’ll keep worshipping mostly with my own church family. I am a brother there, I have to let myself be loved and serve just as everyone else does. I’m looking forward to refreshing my friendship with Jesus.

So there’s some time here for my soul to just enjoy the Lord. For my devotional life to recover and breathe some fresh air. Yesterday as I was running, I caught myself saying, ‘God I’m looking forward to this run with you’. And I did.