It seems to be that season again where the issue of complementarian theology and practice is in the spotlight, hot seat and dog house. It comes around at frequent intervals or perhaps it never really goes away. I don’t chime in every time it kicks off because it’s quite boring and repetitive but sometimes silence isn’t very helpful.

One of the most frustrating things for me, as a complementarian pastor, is often other complementarian pastors. If I was an egalitarian and my aim was to show the folly of this way of thinking, I honestly don’t think I’d do too much. I’d just wait for the next pastor to say something misogynistic, harsh, stupid, aggressive or all of the above. Some of them seem to have a gift for combining all those wonderful traits in a single tweet. I’d just let that dumb blog post or tweet do all the hard work for me. You won’t have to wait for long.

In order to avoid shooting myself in the foot, scoring own goals or in other ways doing harm to an issue of conviction and conscience, here are a few things that I try and remember when it comes to speaking on this issue.

Cut out the sinful stuff

There’s no place for any Christian, let alone a Christian leader to be mean, insulting, rude, aggressive, threatening, abusive, malicious, slanderous, gossiping, untruthful, disrespectful, demeaning. None of that means you shouldn’t express conviction and that someone may not like it and be upset about it, but let it be because of the substance of your point and not the crudeness of your voice that upsets.

If someone says to you that some public remarks of yours are any of those things listed above, take it seriously. Not least because those who do those things won’t inherit what they think they will inherit.

Tone matters (and show a bit of humility)

Arrogance is ugly. It’s usually not that hard to spot and it never comes across well. Remembering that as we interact with people, that being slow to speak is a virtue. That in turn means allowing space for others to speak and for us to listen. So don’t turn, “I do not permit a woman to teach” into “I have nothing to learn from women” because that is, well, kind of arrogant isn’t it?

One of the things I try to do to help me here, is to invite a few egalitarian friends to sometimes review & critique what I’ve written or am about to say. I specifically ask them to check the tone. Out of reverence for Christ, I as a church elder with responsibility for teaching in our church, would submit my words to women in and outside of my church, to ensure I speak well. I know they won’t agree with the argument but I do want them to see that the way I am speaking about this issue, and by implication them, is fair, kind, respectful and loving. As I’ve worked harder to speak respectfully, thoughtfully, considerately the benefits have been tangible in building rather than burning bridges. In the context of a nation of feminists (Sweden) I think the best way to win a fair hearing is by demonstrating that you’re worth listening to.

Also it’s worthy of consideration that there very well may be areas where you and your church can improve in pursuing and releasing the gifts of women in your church (within your framework) and to do that, a humble attitude helps.

Don’t make egalitarians your enemies

There are plenty of egalitarian Christians who have a high-view of Scripture, who know their stuff, who love Jesus and are trying their best to honour Him and advance His kingdom. I wish they’d stop treating me like an enemy of justice and a servant of oppression. And I definitely wish they’d stop calling it all patriarchy (but it’s effective so I get why). So I don’t suppose they appreciate being painted as gospel deniers, who undermine Scripture, liberalising wherever they go and serving Satan as an ally to secularism and being the first marker on the slippery slope to deconstruction. There are probably cases on both sides where those labels might well fit but it just doesn’t help anyone to constantly polarise or radicalise people who are supposed to be your allies and not your enemies.

Don’t overstate the case

I happen to think that baptism, the gifts of the Spirit, the sacraments (or ordinances) and a number of ethical and moral issues are more important theologically speaking than this issue. I understand why a denomination or close network might make this an issue of unity and cooperation because these things do matter to how you’re building and strengthening churches, but I don’t agree with say The Gospel Coalition who have functionally made this a first order issue. Unless I’ve misunderstood what the Coalition actually is – I see it as more akin to The Evangelical Alliance in the UK rather than say my own group of Newfrontiers. If I can partner with paedobaptists, Episcopalians and cessationists (and even those who are all three), and I can, even though I think they wrong in their interpretations and I couldn’t personally invest in that; then I don’t see why I shouldn’t be open to finding ways of co-operating with my egalitarian friends as and when opportunity allows. We should be open to drawing some new circles.

I remain convinced that there is a difference between how our maleness and femaleness plays out in the home and church and I think this is needed more than ever before. I’m interested in trying to help my team, so to speak, do better and a better attitude would be a good place to start.

I’m also interested in conversation with those who think differently on this, not just to try and bash each other with the same exegetical weapons particularly, but because there is so much other good stuff we can learn from each other and it’s hard to do that if we can’t find ways to talk and listen.