I shouldn’t but I am and my guess is you probably are too. And it seems to be precisely what one well known reformed pastor has done.

Dr. Chapell, who moved on from Covenant over a decade ago and who now serves as our church’s stated clerk, appeared on Collin Hansen’s podcast “Gospelbound” to discuss a recent book he has written on generational dynamics in the life of Christian communities. Around 40 minutes into the interview, Chapell was discussing the challenges of institutional stewardship with Hansen. In that context, he produced a list he apparently kept on his desk and held it up to the camera. In speaking of the names on the list he said,

Those are the names of the scandalizers, the people who have invested hours every day attacking others for their supposed lack of faithfulness, for their compromise; whose identity comes from scandalizing others. And every name on that list has either left his family, left the faith, or taken his life. Every name on that list.

Before we even get to what happened next, we should note this: It is not a mark of health in a Christian leader to keep a handwritten list of one’s enemies next to one’s desk. It is, rather, the mark of a person who is petty and foolish and carries grudges, as one friend observed to me. Or, as another friend put it, the command Our Lord gives us is not “love your enemies and also keep a list of them.” The simple existence of this list is a scandal in itself.

As it turns out Dr Chapell was very wrong about the names on the list and that caused its own problems. But Jake Meador is right, the list itself is a big problem. I don’t know Dr Chapell, I do a book of his on my shelves but have never heard him speak. So he, his ministry and the names on his list have little bearing on me.

So why bring this up? Because I recognise the tendency. I recognise the challenge in ministry of holding on to grievances and keeping my own record of wrongs. Live long enough and you will collect an extensive list of faults, grievances, complaints, hurts, wounds and scars. If I asked, you probably could tell me exactly when you got them and who gave them to you. Some of them you will remember all of your life.

Christian leaders almost by definition are going to accumulate more of these than most. I don’t just interact with the Christians in my small group but the whole church. Literally anyone can come up to me and express their disagreement or disappointment in something I’ve said or not said, done or not done. Every week I will have a hundred different interactions with people and Sunday I will address whole groups of people. I’ve had fair and unfair criticism. I’ve had fair and unfair comments. Sooner or later in life and certainly in church leadership eventually you’ll be wronged. Sometimes by the person of the edge of the church but more painfully sometimes by those much closer to the centre. And those ones sting. So what happens then?

That’s the moment when, mentally or otherwise, a list can begin to form. All those hurts, all those disappointments, all those that disagreements, all those unfair judgements and grumbles and complaints stack up. The list gets longer and love gets colder.

1 Corinthians 13:5 (CSB) says, “[love] is not rude, is not self-seeking, is not irritable, and does not keep a record of wrongs.”

Paul says Christian love does not keep a record of wrongs precisely because God does not keep a record of wrongs of those whom He loves. This, if it needs saying, is not just applicable in marriage. Paul was not writing for weddings but for churches, for life, and yes for ministry.

Everyone, and especially leaders need to know what to do with this backlog of emotional baggage and hurt. Personally I run. And pray.

I pray the same thing every time. Whenever a memory comes to mind that I notice I’m stewing on, or repeating, that feels like a weight in my soul I pray the same little prayer. If the same person or memory comes around again, I pray it again and again until it eventually stops coming to mind. I keep praying “Into your hands. I hold no grudge” until I’ve properly let go and that’s how I know I have. I stop thinking about it, no need to anymore.

We need to ground this in the Gospel, that God has chosen to remember my sins no more. They are as far as the east is from the west. Oh my, what a relief that is. What amazing grace, that the God who knows everything will, because of Christ say ‘Nope, I don’t remember that at all.’

We are called to love like that, to forgive like that. Throw away the list. Everyone will be better off if you do.