Some years ago I was in a long online back and forth with a feminist friend of mine about all things gender and at some point we got to the topic of children. She mentioned the patriarchy movement and I asked her what that was. She, the feminist, was surprised that I, the complementarian, had never heard of it or its like. It is I thought, then as now, an American thing.

Then not so long I was asked a question by someone in church about something I’d said in a sermon from a few years ago. She wanted to know whether I thought Christians should have as many children as possible? Interesting I thought, had I somehow become more patriarchal?

There’s a significant amount of angst these days about demographics and falling populations. Is it culture or economics or some combination of both? A decade ago Matthew Hosier suggested,

For those of us in Europe, we need to think about how to respond to the cultural challenges of a society that is increasingly rejecting marriage and child-rearing. We also need to think about how we communicate the gospel to the elderly – for that is what most of us are going to be.

People, People, People

And that was the challenge, having children they argued, is essentially, optional. I had suggested it was mandatory. The sermon in question was from a series on the Minor Prophets on Malachi. Here is what I said (or at least this is what is in my manuscript, we had technology problems that day and don’t have a recording) with the key bit in bold.

The issue of the day was that Israelite men were playing fast and loose with the rules surrounding divorce. It was an issue still in Jesus’ day and is in ours. And it is very easy in Sweden to divorce. 52% of all marriages end in divorce and the average length of a marriage that ends in divorce is 11 years. Now as then, it had become too easy to divorce and so men were abandoning their wives for a better model and in doing so were choosing women with other gods and so bringing their gods with them into their homes and spreading the influence of idols throughout Israel. A heart issue became a marriage issue became a religious issue. The story of the Bible is really clear on the issue of marriage to people who have other gods (or no god) and it is this: don’t do it. It will not help you pursue God or persevere with God, it will not build your faith but it will dilute it, it will not strengthen your faith but ultimately weaken it.

Malachi also makes plain the purpose of marriage: it is there as a picture of God’s faithful love to us. He has promised himself to us, He has given himself to us, He has loved us with an everlasting love and through that relationship life comes. And our physical marriages are a picture of that: we are to love one another and produce children (if we can). This is what it says in Malachi – ‘God is seeking godly offspring’ and what is true in the physical is true in the spiritual. It is a blessing and a reflection of the life that God gives, a representation of new birth and new life.

And God is no fan of divorce. It is not that there can be no divorce, some situations of abuse, abandonment or adultery can effectively kill a relationship from which recovery is either unsafe, undesirable or unattainable. But outside of that God is a faithful God, faithfulness is a character trait of His and a fruit of His Spirit and it is to be a feature of our lives too. But it is important to say that where divorce has happened for those or other reasons, the divorce need not have the final word: God restores the brokenhearted, he lifts up the downcast, he protects the vulnerable, He comforts those who mourn, He can welcome back those who stray. Yet, none of that excuses or minimizes the call to be faithful as He is faithful.

The particular verses where I draw this from are Malachi 2:10-16 and especially verse 15 but as an advert for large families I think it was a pretty mild case. But there it is, we are to produce children (if we can). And that claim, was seen as judgemental to those who chose otherwise.

The majority of Christian marriage services include something like this: 

Marriage is a gift of God in creation through which husband and wife may know the grace of God. It is given that as man and woman grow together in love and trust, they shall be united with one another in heart, body and mind, as Christ is united with his bride, the Church.

The gift of marriage brings husband and wife together in the delight and tenderness of sexual union and joyful commitment to the end of their lives. It is given as the foundation of family life in which children are [born and] nurtured and in which each member of the family, in good times and in bad, may find strength, companionship and comfort, and grow to maturity in love.

The Marriage Service

In previous generations and for centuries before family and children came first and before companionship & sex for pleasure. So I think it is fair to say that Christians have always considered the having of children as one of the primary purposes of marriage. As in this is what marriage was created for. It is seen as a package deal of three (children, sex and companionship) and has not until fairly recently been considered more like a menu of options from which to choose just one or two.

In fact there’s a good deal of ancient Christian theology that would have considered having children as the ONLY reason for marriage, mostly because they thought sex was bad!! I don’t think that. 

So to say that the general intention and purpose for marriage is for the having of children and creation of families is pretty standard stuff in all denominations, times and places as far as I am aware.

Personally I was very reluctant to be a father for many years and wasn’t at all sure about being a parent. I thought the church idolized families unhelpfully and often in unbiblical ways. But eventually Scripture persuaded me that I had swung the pendulum too far and I needed to consider more carefully what Scripture had to say about children and families and line myself up with that.     

So yes, I do think that one of the purposes of marriage is for having children.

Where I take issue is the suggestion that not to follow this general pattern is a ‘sin issue’. I don’t think that at all. In other words there is a significant difference between ‘should’ and ‘must’ or ‘generally true’ and ‘without exception’.

I don’t think there is any clear instruction or teaching to suggest that couples MUST have children and that if they don’t they are sinning. For a start there are many health reasons why this might not be possible and they don’t need ‘sin’ piling on top of that. There are also other legitimate reasons to be considered. So for example I think if it is possible that someone who is single can choose to remain single for the sake of the kingdom of God then it is possible that a couple can choose to not have children for the very same reason (see Karen Swallow Prior’s testimony here). Or that if someone is single not because of choice but because of circumstance they can’t be honouring to God and fulfilled, and in the same way if a couple is childless because of circumstance and not choice then they too can still honour God. But neither of those things changes the fact that when marrying we must recognise and take seriously what God created marriage for (see John Piper here for example).   

Nor do I think that a couple must have as many children as possible. We ourselves wouldn’t have done very well if that was true as we have two children. I think couples should have the amount of children they have faith for and God would then give them the grace for (Rom 14:23). This is essentially a stewardship and wisdom decision, and varies from family to family. In some cases that may be zero or one and in a few cases in our church it might be considerably more like 7 or 8!! Although that may have more to do with culture and differing views on contraception than faith per se. Whatever the case, I don’t think the family with more kids is more in the will of God than the ones with fewer children. 

So just to sum it all up:

• I do think children are a part of God’s general intention for marriage
• I don’t think couples who don’t have children are necessarily sinning (although there could be bad reasons for not doing so)
• I don’t think couples must have as many children as they possibly can
• To have children, or not, and how many children then to have needs to be done with faith. 

And as Christians we should be communities that welcome the baby.